“What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.” A. W. Tozer
NEEDS TO BE MET BY MOTHERS
Safety
Safety comes in the form of a person.
Nurture
The Soviet Union did an experiment many years ago where they took infants and only gave them their basic needs food and sleep, but no human contact or nurturing and most of them died. It is why skin-to-skin is so vital in babies and the miracles of that concept with premature babies is amazing because, Without nurture, we wither.
Basic Trust
We aren’t born trusting; trust is learned. That our interactions form trust and most of our EI comes from our relationship with our Mother
Belonging and Invitation
Feeling wanted is not an intellectual exercise, but a relational one. You can’t say you are wanted you have to experience in a relationship. They want me around!
Someone to Love
The development comes not from being loved but by loving.
Godly attributes are found in Mothering. We were created in his image.
“Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you!” Isaiah 49:15 NLT
TYPES OF MOTHERS
The Phantom Mom
emotionally unavailable. Present physically but not emotionally. You lack that connection which causes detachment Which makes it hard for you to emotionally connect with other people and the problem is you don't just magically start emotionally connecting you have to make conscious decisions on how to start bringing that into your life because it's not a Behavior you learned as a child.
The China Doll Mom
fragile, unable to deal with stress. We tend to learn how to deal with emotions through our mothers how to deal with some of those stressful emotional things so if your mom is very fragile and unable to deal with stress and she was this China Doll it causes you to have this lack of being able to contain your emotions. When you're a kid You don't just have emotions you are emotional and your mother helped you try to contain those emotions and teach you that unless she didn't learn that as a child and so she is very stressed out doesn't know how to contain them then that's to learn Behavior you gather from them.
The Controlling Mom
unable to empower, release. Lack of making your own decisions. You feel like you are not in control some else is. You become timid never take a risk.
The Trophy Mom
Accept you if you perform. You feel like you have to prove you are worthy to be loved. You struggle with imperfections.
The Still-the-Boss Mom
The goal as you age into adulthood is that you actually become friends with your parents you enjoy your parents unfortunately some Dynamics is it doesn't matter if you're 40 years old 50 years old I'm still the boss and you're still the little child in my mind the way I treat you. Which then can cause you to always feel like you're less than with other leaders and other people or you go the opposite and you have to dominate because you're insecure and you keep people down.
NEEDS TO BE MET BY FATHERS
Unconditional, expressed love
Unconditional which means there are not limits or bars to reach AND IT IS EXPRESSED. Many adults say they have never heard their Dad say I love you!
Security and Comfort
When Dad is home I am safe. We are protected.
Praise and Affirmation
Not just saying I love you but I see you and the value that is in you and calling that out!
Provision
Dad is a provider. He takes care of my needs. I feel secure.
Purpose in Life
That he lets them know they can make a difference in this world and they will be great men and women as they grow.
So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15 NLT
According to the Life Application Bible,
“In Roman culture, the adopted person lost all rights in his old family and gained the rights of a legitimate child in his new family. He became a full heir to his new father’s estate. Likewise, when a person becomes a Christian, he or she gains all the privileges and responsibilities of a child in God’s family.”
TYPES OF FATHERS
Performance-oriented
demand obedience and performance. No rest always striving always proving yourself and your well. Never good enough.
Passive
home but not home, roommate. There but not there. Comes home and zones out and never involved in their life. Lack of emotion, passion, initiative can develop in adults.
Absentee
simply not around. Either left or travels so much that they miss a lot of life. You lack intimacy and fear people will always leave you or not be there.
Authoritarian
prioritize the law over love. Follow my rules. You better obey me! So you always look at rules over relationships as you grow up You fear always failing and the punishment that will follow that.
Abusive
emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive. He is supposed to protect you, and love you, and affirm and As you grow it can cause Shame, guilt, anger, lack of trust.
Now you may be saying Pastor Mike I don't really deal with either one of those I have a father that was good and a mother that was good and they provided cared for they were present make nurtured me love me. that's phenomenal and those are wonderful things and I am so glad that you were experienced as a child was that. I will say though this that the distance between a dysfunctional and abusive parent and a good parent is this (Show with hands) what the distance between good and perfect is this and how good your parents are there are not perfect like your God is and we still need to rise above the good to experience the perfect love and relationship with God. How do we move Beyond good to perfect or how do we move Beyond abusive distant and hurtful relationships with our parents to a perfect relationship with God?
1. RECOGNIZE
How many people when you go out to eat with your kids and they get a kids menu one of the games on there is two pictures that look identical except there are ten or so things in the picture that are different and your objective is to Circle and find what is difference between the two pictures. the same is true with the when we've you got with there are Godly attributes he places in both of our parents however they're not perfect and they've experienced things and so you got to recognize and I asked how is God different than my parents?
this is not dishonoring to your parents and it's not bashing your parents it's what we need for healing and how we move forward for the healthy view of God for ourselves and also transfer that to our children.
what you experienced as a child is not your fault what you do as an adult is your responsibility. Have you ever known something was wrong but you were too busy to deal with it or you procrastinated and forgot to do with it? like a light bulb goes out and what are your kitchens you keep forgetting to go to the store to buy a lightbulb so you just go weeks and weeks with a dim room. or there's up toilet that just runs a little bit and you just live with it even though it makes your water bill go up. or maybe your wife tells you over and over that she needs new windshield wipers and you keep forgetting and then when it rains she's driving in dangerous ways through a storm barely be able to see through her windshield. I mean I would never do any of those things those are not examples of me another imperfect people.
So many times that's us in life. we know there's things that need to be addressed and fixed we just muscle through it we just ignore it we just act like we can push it off but it's causing us to live a life with a dim view and we are not able to see clearly it is costing us in ways sometimes we don't even understand.
There are distinct differences between your Earthly parents and your heavenly father and you've got to recognize it.
'See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!
1 John 3:1 NLT
The Lord’s loving kindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 NASB
Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. Psalms 27:10 NLT
Give yourself permission to feel to grieve and investigate those differences. to be honest with yourself.
I had to investigate those incorrect views of God based on the way I was raised in therapy. through therapy I started identifying hurts from my past I started remembering occasions in my life. Through therapy I started realizing that I had to learn to cope with some dysfunctions from my childhood survive through painful moments and as I became an adult I started responding to people in situations out of an instinctive nature that was unhealthy not a conscious decision to be healthy. you got to recognize these things or you can't walk towards health.
2. RELEASE
You're going to have to give your parents a gift that humanly speaking they may not deserve. That gift is forgiveness. it's not letting them off the hook and it's not saying that what they did was right and not wrong. It's saying I'm releasing them to God. I'm not the judge he is, I'm not the corrector he is and I'm not the creator he is.
Story of Monkeys in India and the hollowed-out coconuts.
I do know this… Unforgiveness is more about you than the other person involved… Unforgiveness impacts your life far more than the other person… Unforgiveness is far beyond the offense and if we do not understand that it will destroy us… Resentment points your anger and animosity toward a person or a situation… When resentment controls us it tells ourselves that this person or situation is keeping us from happiness or joy… We make a person or situation our focal point for happiness…
Surely resentment destroys the fool Job 5:2
Resentment destroys us… It controls us… It becomes what we focus on and think about… We tend to get any quiet times we focus on the person and the incident… We have imaginary conversations with that person if we had the opportunity to tell them how we feel… It becomes all consuming.
Bitterness becomes something deeper because it goes beyond the person or the situation…. It becomes your outlook on life… It starts creeping into every area of our life… No longer are we upset at just the one incident or person, but we start seeing it impact other areas of our life and we are more sensitive in other areas of our life…
Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. Hebrews 12:14-15
The writer of Hebrews refers to bitterness as a POISONOUS ROOT… That it grows in our hearts and is poison to our life. Roots do 3 things.. ROOTS ABSORB, STORE, AND GROW.
So a root of bitterness is going to absorb every negative feeling that surround resentment and bitterness… Anger, hurt, jealousy, hate, vengeance, retribution, sadness, broken heart, pain…
Then it stores it…. It harbors those feelings… Those feelings start to become a part of you… Now sadness defines, anger defines you… heart ache defines you… You start to realize that joy, happiness, and peace is the rarity not the norm in your life….
It starts to grow… Now what was a bad situation now is monumental… Now it is like a domino effect in your life that and more and more effects you and maybe people offend often that in the past never would… Then many times DEPRESSION starts to creep in and take up residence in your heart and mind….
Then Hebrews says it CORRUPTS MANY… That it starts to effect our relationships… Marriages, with our children, family members, our friends… We start bearing the fruit of bitterness
We see bad in others
We justify criticizing and gossiping
We secretly celebrate other misfortunes
We bring people down/.
3. REJECT
'For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world... Ephesians 6:12 NLT
The devil wants to use the shortcomings of your parents to keep you from walking in an intimate relationship with God to keep you from your god-given identity in him. the reality is true hurt people hurt people and the shortcomings of your parents is a domino effect of what they've experienced in life. there is the truth about something called a generational curse and unfortunately negative things compound and they grow through generation after generation. However, all authority is in Jesus when we recognize and we release we have the authority in the name of Jesus to reject those negatives.
We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5 NLT
4. RECEIVE
Whatever is good and perfect is a gift coming down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow. James 1:17 NLT
Whatever pain you experienced whatever loss you've experienced do those parental figures in your life you must start replacing the pain with God's truth and filling those voids with God himself. he will never leave you or forsake you, cast your cares upon Him for he cares about you, he made you wonderfully complex oh, you are his workmanship oh, he hold you in the palms of his hands, his eyes search and find you, never can you escape his presence. THE PROMISES GO ON AND ON!
'And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.' Romans 8:38-39 NLT